I know you all understand that I am a human being and that being human is part of that reality.
I had what can only be called a very challenging December. There was all the excitement of Dancember but with that came total exhaustion. I expected that. I knew that the road trip would be difficult but also knew I would have 10 days to recover before the 24-hour event. I paced myself for that. However, I did not pace myself for some other things.
Due to a reason I have not yet worked out, I came home ready to relax and take time to recover in my own time. My mind would not stop running. I found myself critical. I found myself frustrated and then I heard that my brother-in-law had passed. That took me deeper into the hole. I emailed and offered to go and visit … to give support. I was told that I was not needed (that felt like rejection) but I could come down for the Celebration of Life. Two days before Christmas I was advised that I was not welcome to that either. Yikes. Family is complicated, isn’t it?
Old tapes, in my head, started to play. I must be a bad person. It must be my fault. It went on and on. I ended up fairly deep into a hole I swore I would not go down again. The hole I had worked so hard to leave. Many years ago. I could hear the loud sucking noise as it was sucking me into the vortex from which I knew it would take every fibre in my body to avoid.
I give sincere thanks to my friend, Yvonne. She was so kind, compassionate and she knows me better than most people. She knew what I was doing to myself and knew I would not allow anyone to treat her like that. She kept correcting my negative thinking. She kept reminding me of all the good I have done and continue to do in my life. I don’t say this to get strokes or rewards I am explaining what helped me hang on to my reality. Sincere care and love from a friend. She didn’t try and fix anything. She was wonderful and I will be in her debt for a long time. With her help, I managed to slowly get control again.
But not before things got worse!
I was vulnerable. I didn’t have my usual mindset. I didn’t have my usual filters and armour. The perfect storm happened and I ended up doing something that upset me grately. I tried to help someone and ended up sounding nothing but judgmental. The sucking sound came back. Louder and the vortex was stronger. My mind seemed to just stop working. I was numb with emotional pain.
To say that it was easy to get out of the “hole” would be a lie. It took every bit of my knowledge of depression (from personal experience) together with even more understanding from Yvonne. I had the most difficult couple of weeks that I have had in close to 20 years. Some of you know that delicate balancing act. The tightrope was swaying. I was no longer balanced. It was impossible to post or take a picture. I was not “safe”. Not a good feeling for a YouTuber who helps people cope! I had to stop feeling guilty about that. I had to stop. I took the longest break I have ever taken away from social media. I had to work on myself. I could not give from a vacuum.
I made it back. Yippee. It feels good to be able to use my mind again. To feel creative again. To laugh again. Thank you all for your patience, love and support. Most of all, my thanks to Yvonne.
Do you want to hear more of this journey back? If you would like more about how I clawed my way back, please let me know by writing to me at: firstname.lastname@example.org so that I can know how many people truly do need/want to hear that journey and why. That will help me decide the “right” way to present it. Thank you.
YouTube Update – Week 228
Blog views 55.257
1,459 days of not smoking and $15,619.16 saved
Weight down? Of course NOT. Emotional melt-downs = comfort food. However, I am taking steps to correct that this year. I have had enough of this weight.