21. Goodbye, dear friend

I am in a sad place right now. It was a weird night. I could not sleep. Each time I tried I would suddenly sit up and be wide awake and I didn’t understand why. I think I actually managed about 2 hours sleep the whole night.

I went to work this morning and did what I could but I just wasn’t “firing on all cylinders”. Felt strangely out of place and thought I must be sick. Came home just after lunch and fell fast asleep.

I woke up to a telephone call to let me know that a very dear friend died last night.  One with who I had a very deep spiritual connection. Now it all makes so much sense.

It is also strange that my video this week was about loss. I don’t believe in coincidences. See how it all fits? In a way my message on the video was to myself – something I would need today. So let me remind myself that it is ok to feel hurt, sadness and pain. I am hurt that I didn’t say goodbye. I am sad that she was sick and that her mind was being taken from her. I am in pain for her family and those of us who loved her. Pain is inevitable. Suffering is a choice.

So now let me be grateful for all the good times we had. Be grateful that just a few weeks ago I was able to see her for nearly a week of visits and that she knew who I was and her face lit up each time she saw me. Grateful for the fact that I took the time to make her a beautiful green bracelet and matching earrings – green was always her favourite colour.

I have so many fond memories of our times together. So many things to be grateful for. Or I could dwell on the sadness and suffer. No, I will not do that to myself. She would not want that. I will smile and remember the times, exhausted from being on a speaking tour, I would drive the 8 hours it took to get to their house and just crash. They would wake me up to feed me and then let me go back and sleep again.

The body takes a beating when it is in performance mode. The stresses of performance, travel, deadlines and perfectionism all take their toll. She would just know that I needed a friend who understood all of that. Friendship to her was giving me the space to recover so that I could go out and perform again. So selfless. Such caring. I will make sure that I pay those gifts forward in the coming weeks as I grieve the loss. 

I know, in my heart, that she is in a better place. She will be functioning again. She will be happy again. She will watch over us and send her love and understanding in times of confusion and pain. Just as she did in this reality. I can talk to her whenever I need her wisdom. See her laughing at me as I do goofy things, be at peace and forever grateful that I had the opportunity to meet her, laugh with her and love her. She was a gift to my life.

Goodbye, for now, dear friend. Chat soon. I love you.